I’m writing this about an hour after my last post, ‘Bored.’ was posted. I’m doing so because since that, a grand total of 7 people have read it. Or, to be slightly more realistic, looked at it briefly. I have had 44 views on all three of my posts and 31 visitors – I’m not exactly sure what the difference is there, I think it’s visitors to the home page or something, or maybe the same people came back a couple of times. On my YouTube channel, I have 346 subscribers, 2,458 views (yes, that’s what I said), 42 of which were on my latest video. My Twitter has 312 followers, my tumblr 225 and my Instagram has 194. I also have 252 friends on Facebook (which was originally somewhere in the thousands but I had an insane cull a few months ago after realising none of these people were actually relevant to my life anymore – although saying that I did delete some people who I’ve since reconnected with so if you think I’ve fucked up, soz bro!).
I think it’s safe to say, with that information, I have an audience – and a much larger one than many. I’ve accumulated it over the course of however many years I’ve been socialising and internetting and it’s there. You’re here. Hello! You’re sitting or standing or lying upside down with your phone held dangerously over your face – don’t drop it, it’ll hurt! – reading this. I don’t think we really appreciate our audience properly unless it’s laid out in data form for us to analyze. We don’t think about the information we’re putting out into the world or the impression we give off. Obviously, we all have that little voice in our head telling us a thousand different things about us we probably don’t want to hear or aren’t true, but we don’t often see the truth of ourselves.
Now, I know why I started this blog(1). I know what I want to get out of it(2), where I want it to go(3) and why(4):
- It’s here because I have no one else to tell these things to – or, rather, I do, I’m just too scared to actually tell them the things. It’s here because I love writing and have nothing to write about besides my insipid life and the thoughts that trudge through it. It’s here because I want it to be. And because people have said things along the vein of you’re quite funny sometimes, you should write things. I’ve always been good at writing, my dad is endlessly telling me of my “excellent command of the English language”, which I wouldn’t disagree with by any means.
- I want to free my brain up. I want to entertain people, make them laugh, take away the stresses of real life for a moment so they can have a quick giggle about that time I went out with odd shoes on. I want people to be able to relate to me and tell me so we can all feel a little bit less weird and foolish some of the time. I want to send a message. I want to express opinions, teach people new things, show my mistakes and help myself and others learn from them.
- I want it to grow. I’d like to become a part of this greater community of online-type-people who do online things and have online friends but also real life friends. I want to be someone who people look up to (because, let’s be honest, no one’s looking up to me right now, are they?). I want to tell more people about things I care deeply about. I want to connect with like-minded people and learn more and grow as an intellectual and as a person.
- Why?! Because I want to! I deeply, truly, want it. I have no interest in being the most famous person ever, of being the next Zoella and having people scream my name down the street at me. (If you don’t know who Zoella is, she is one of the many faces of the internet who have been teaching the younger generation how to exist for a number of years so it’s probably a very good idea to give her a Google.)
I could give you a list as long as the footnotes to Infinite Jest of the things that I’d quite like in this lifetime, and I’m sure 99% of them would be things I don’t need. But this, my YouTube channel, my films, they all come right at the top alongside ‘being a mum’ and ‘telling Josh Hutcherson in person how magnificent his jawline is’. I’d love a house with no mortgage and a future of happy relationships and a black Lamborghini with tinted windows and doors that open upwards, but some shit ain’t gon’ happen. I’ll tell you what will happen, though. I’m going to keep writing this blog. It’ll probably be sporadic and rambley and occasionally a little bit mental, but I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna make my shitty YouTube videos and sometimes they’ll be late and sometimes I’ll miss one or forget or it’ll be shit, but I’m gonna do it.
And here’s why:
Keep doing that awesome thing that you do, cause I love it, and I’ll catch y’all later.
[completed at 03:41am 18/07/2016]