DISCLAIMER: This is a page of me complaining about my life, so if you don’t give a shit, please feel free to skip this one, because it’s just emotions and feelings and real life stuff. UGH! Boring! I know right? Anywho, just a quick heads up.
It’s been a week since I’ve written on here, not a lot has happened in that week if I’m honest, and I don’t imagine an awful lot is going to happen over the next week either.
Jesus hellfire I’m bored. I’ve got absolutely nothing I really want to do. Or, rather, nothing I can do.There’s so many things I want to spend my time doing, but there’s also a hundred reasons I can’t be doing those things, and it’s really bloody annoying.
I don’t have a job at the moment, so I have no real source of income. Which means I can’t leave the silly little town I live in (which, as much as I understand why other people like it here, I freaking hate it because it’s just not what I need as a 20-year-old with the likes and dislikes I have) because I don’t have a car and buses cost a lot of money. Without a job I don’t really have a reason to go into town unless it’s to spend money or specifically invited things. I find it so hard to reach out to people and make plans and ask if I can come over or whatever, and my anxiety just fills me up and I can’t do it, so that rules out seeing friends. That also means I don’t have anyone to talk to, because of the inability to talk to people. So I’m stuck in my house, on my own, watching YouTube – not making videos, might I add, which is stupid because I can do that and I want to do that – trying to waste my time and failing to fix my sleeping pattern (as you can probably tell from the late night postings).
On the subject of videos, I’m so terrified to make them. What is THAT about?! I’ve had a few technical difficulties of late, and obviously because I don’t have a laptop I can’t use my super duper camera and some kickass editing software and make super zippy cool vids – I have tried to use editing software on the iPad but every time I try to do anything it decides it’s going to be an unhelpful rectangle of extortion and crash – so any video I do make just feels a bit shit with sort of crappy lighting and alright-ish sound and just isn’t something I’m particularly proud of. I mean, I like the videos I’ve uploaded, I don’t mind watching them (which is a TOTAL step up from what I’ve posted in the past which makes me cringe so hard my dignity falls out), but I don’t love them. I wouldn’t use them as evidence of my film-making abilities, which is a shame because that’s what I want to do with my life! I want to make videos. And I know the mediocrity I’m producing at the moment isn’t remotely living up to what I could be making.
I had a video idea the other day, and it was freaking GENIUS! I mean proper good shit. The kind of thing that, yeah, would take ages to produce and, alright, would involve a lot of sweat and effort on my part, and would certainly involve help from people, but it would be so creative and so brilliant and so inspiring, I think it could be something I could proudly show to people and be like, yeah, THAT’S what I can do. Hire me, bitches!
I can’t make it. That’s so depressing. I don’t have the equipment, nor the relevant connections, to make it what I want it to be. (I’m not going to tell you the idea because – no offense – but it’s a fucking stroke of brilliance and I don’t want anyone stealing it) When I have really great ideas like that, I NEED them to be amazing. It’s the same with my songs. I have so many unfinished songs because I start them, then don’t want to carry on because I’m scared I’ll take what is a really great idea and shit mediocrity all over it. Much like I’ve done with my YouTube channel.
This is really going to inspire people to go watch my videos, isn’t it. Nice one, Chlo.
I’m so anxious and down at the moment. And I can’t tell anyone. And it freaking SUCKS!!!
Yeah, I just used bold and italics. It’s a literary technique, see: when you don’t use a technique often, it adds emphasis to it when it is used. Much like my use of the ‘C’ word. I hardly use it, so that when someone is actually being a grade a C-word, it has the right impact. It’s good to reserve things for emphasis. Otherwise, you just run out of words to use. I mean, if you’re using the C-word all the time, what are you supposed to call someone who ruins you and leaves you trapped in a world of self-hate and loneliness? But that’s a story for never. Hahaha… Moving on… (Jokes, obvs)
Swinging back around past that major tangent right there, I’m not feeling too super duper at the moment. I think I should probably get a keyboard, but I don’t know where I’ll get that. I mean, it’ll be something to do and I’ll be learning something, which’ll be nice. But mainly, I’m sad and lonely and stuck in my own little bubble of sad loneliness. And I imagine one or two very nice people may say something unfortunately cliche like “you know I’m always here if you need to chat” or “hey, if you wanna hang out, hit me up”. Please don’t. Because I won’t. As kind as that shit is, it’s SO unhelpful for someone who can’t even call anyone when they’re stuck wide awake and crying at four in the morning, or stuck at the job center crying at 11:30 in the morning, or just generally crying somewhere at some point. I’m not very good at reaching out. Although, if you do want to show up at my house and have a hot drink (I have tea, coffee, and shitty hot chocolate so if you’re after Teapigs you’re shit out of luck) or you wanna go watch some random film that’s just come out, or you wanna go climb some trees in a field (Wandlebury is very good for this, js) I’m down. Or if you wanna go to Regal and get mildly intoxicated (again, poor, spending, blah blah blah) then sure, I’m up for that.
This is very stuck up of me, I get that. Don’t worry, literally every bad thing you could possibly think about me, I’ve already considered or am currently thinking, so don’t worry about critiquing me. I just really want someone to watch Now You See Me 2 with me, and obviously, Suicide Squad when that comes out, and Finding Dory, and all the other films on the planet. (Have I mentioned the film-maker thing, yet?)
I don’t know. I’m sad. The other day I went all the way to the JobCentre on the other side of Cambridge before I realized I was wearing odd shoes. Oh, sweet Pete, did I cry. Particularly when the pretty patronizing JobCentre bloke told me I was “late” (which I wasn’t, I just hadn’t been told I had to arrive half an hour early to do some other thing with some other lady I wasn’t aware of). MAN was I pissed.
I feel like I’ve been walking around in circles for months, and I’ve finally just come to a complete stop with no idea where I’m supposed to be going. I mean, I know where I want to get to, but it feels like there’re a thousand miles between here and there that I have no clue about and it makes it feel like, although I know I need to get there and it’ll all be worth it once I do, it just seems a bit hopeless. Think Lord Of The Rings, I’m whiney, bitchy Frodo, except without a ring of power. Gee, that’d be handy. Obviously, it’d summon Sauron if I used it, but that thing’s pure gold, I could pawn it for a keyboard. There we go, problems solved. Now where’s my ring of power?
Thanks for sticking with me through that jumble of thoughts, if you did. It’s very therapeutic to spill the nonsense in my head into this, y’know. I mean, this is obviously not the most healthy therapy in the world, but until I has the dollars to be paying for a professional – before you suggest any part of the public health system, I would like to inform you from a proper mental person’s perspective who has experienced it, they’re shit, but more on that another time – this shall have to do.
Have a nice… whatever it is when you’re reading this!
Keep doing that awesome thing that you do, because I loves it, and I’ll catch you later.
(P.S. Excuse any stupidness, I don’t wish to depress myself by thoroughly editing my work so I hope Grammarly has done a good enough job)
EDIT:: I was listening to Muse’s album Drone while writing this (I got through the whole thing, which says a lot, wouldn’t you say) and I rather enjoyed it so I would suggest it. Thank you, Fopp clerk, for informing me of what was playing in your most brilliant of stores the other day.